a-titled

Over the telephone (edited)

“Oh hi Steve! I see you’ve decided to call again? Well, isn’t that a pleasant surprise? I’m quite well, thank you! How about you? Great! I hope you didn’t take me the wrong way the last time you called..I just don’t know what kind of a Beelzebub gotten into me that day to characterize you as a son of a bi..Why thank you! I’m so very glad you are so understanding! You know Steve, I gave it a lot of thought! After all this time, I finally understand. Yes, I understand Steve! You couldn’t do otherwise but leaving me for another woman. No, honestly, I do and I bravely admit it; she is nothing like me..I mean she has a PhD in Logistics, a master in Finances, she is good looking, wealthy.. To put it into two words, she seems as the perfect woman! No wonder why you prefered her over me when..What? You already got a divorse from the perfect woman? Jesus! You can’t even realise how sorry I am! Well, anyroad, right now I’m just glad that we both realised as serius adults that we were not made for each other.I just hope you don’t mind that I had found myself a lover during the time I found out that you met her. Oh you don’t? Splendid! Yes, we are still together; his name is Bobby by the way. I can’t say I’m proud for acting so, but I was so much hurt at that period of time. I believe though, we both made our mistakes to soon learn from them, didn’t we? Yes. Well, yes as I was saying..I am nothing like her. I am..unejucated, boring, grumpy, shallow..No, Steve, don’t argue with me upon this, please! You were right back then; I AM shallow! No Steve, you just don’t know… Steve? No! Don’t try to commiserate with me! No, I am shallow and I really have no idea how were you able to bare with me! Of course I mean it! Whyelse would I ever say so? So, as I was saying..you see, Bobby is a wonderful person and I have you to thank for being so very lucky to have him in my life; we got along so well, but you see..I am so god damn flat, that in the beggining when I met him, I actually prefered him over you cos, unlike you, he has an enormous penis and an amazing blood circulation! Can you believe that? Frankly, I’m just crushed since the moment I realised that I can get as shallow as that…I guess it is my cross to bear after all, innit Steve? ..St.. Hello? Steve?…Steve?…Are you there? Oh, there you are! For a second I thought something was wrong with the receiver..So, where was I? Hmm yes! From the moment you tried to contact with me again, I kinda felt a sudden urge to share with you the troubles of my past, since it involves you as well. Ah! Guess who just woke up to kiss me…*ha-ha! Oh stop it you! haha silly! Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a serious conversation? that tickles* I’m sorry, I have to be off Steve, for Bobby seems to be suggesting something that involves sex and ticklish things and I find his idea simply wonderful! Thus, I wish you the best of luck in your life! and again, thank you for throwing me into the arms of an incredible lover! Honestly, words are not enough Steve, if you know what I mean and something tells me you do and I find myself obligated to thank you so much for that too! So, thank you! Goodbye!”

Rrrriiin!!!

Rrrriiin!!!

Pick up the phone Barry..pickitup!! Oh! He picked up..Jesus! Finally!

-Hello?

-Hello?…uh..hello! Barry?

-This is Barry.

-Barry! Why?

-“Why” what?

-Why did you turn me down without giving me the chance to rock your world?

-To rock my what?

-….Your…ahm… world? To ro…

-Are you sure?

-What do you mean “am I sure”; Of course I am sure! To ro…

-No!

(clanck)

Tsk! Barry put down the receiver. But why? Perharps I’ve chosen the wrong words?..Lemme just give it another go… Plan B should work…hmm..

Rrrrrrrrriiiin!!!

-YES?

-Barry wh..

-I said, NO!

-Just once..!

(clanck)

-Ba…

rry… Am I talking to myself again? Yes, I am. What a surprise.

The Scorpio

Once upon a time, a scorpio met a frog at the banks of a river. The scorpio wanted to pass across the river and asked the frog if he could kindly lift him on his back so to help him get to the other side, because he couldn’t swim.

“Are u crazy?” exclaimed he

“What do u mean?” said innocently the scorpio

“you’re a godamn scorpio!” said he

“so what?” said the scorpio and smiled as kindly as possible..

“well, you’ll definetely gonna sting me” said the frog

“no, i won’t!..i promise..” said the scorpio and winked his eye

“are u sure?” said he and looked suspiciusly at the scoprio..

“positive!” replied the scorpio gloriously!

“Well.. ok then..” said the frog giving him just another suspicious look yet got into water inviting the scorpio to climb on his back. At the middle of the “journey”, the scorpio stung the frog’s left shoulder.

“Oucha! For heaven’s sakes!!” exclaimed the frog in pain.. “What the fuck did you just do? Now we’ll both die you maniac! “screamed the frog slowly drawning into the water into which the scorpio  followed indeed to his own death as well, since he couldn’t swim..

“you promised you wouldn’t sting, you bastard! “cried the frog terrified..

and the scorpio then said

“well, what can I do? I’m a scorpio; I cannot help it..”

and then they drowned. and thus they died. end of story.

Ricky and Mona

Ricky got back from the pub absolutely hammered, to find his wife sitting on the couch, obviously waiting for him. The not so pleasant strickt look on her face, freezed him. Nevertheless, he decided to play it cool. Thus, he put his foot in the water.

-Mona….

Mona said nothing.

-Mona…..ahm…..precious pearl, what are you doing up so late?

Mona said nothing

-Mona, me dear, me angel sent on earth you savior….me love….

Mona said nothing

-Mona…..ahm…..darling, you shouldn’t have kept waiting on me…

No reply..

-Had a few drinks….the usual….I….well, you know me…hahah

Still nothing from Mona

-Mona!

No response whatsoever.

-Mona! Darling! say something at the least….don’t just stare at me. You’re gonna open a hole right through me with that look, you know..I can feel it coming..ah the pain!

Yet Mona said nothing.

-Mona, please, say just one word….come now kitty..

Nop! Nothing from Mona.

-Woman! That was no request- it was an order from the captain of this ship- the leader of this pack! I, as a man, demand to be treated respectfully, no matter the circumstances, as such!

Mona obviously was not moved.

-Monaaa…..camaaaan……I was just kidding…..hehe…you didn’t fall for that, did you? hehe..hm..

No response.

-Babe? you so hot when you’re so silent and all mysterious…o god! naughty girl!

That wouldn’t help either, as Mona stubborn as hell, still kept the silence of stone.

-When you give me that look…don’t give me that look! I’d rather be shot down by a bunch of angry bunnies! ah…come on love!

Mona said nothing.

-I hate that creepy look that orders me to behave….camaaaan….my little pony?

Mona said nothing.

-ok so then I will! Jeesus!

Mona said nothing.

She just got up, turned the lights off and went straight to bed. Poked pitiless by tremendous depths of dispair, Ricky took a deep breath and followed his wife shortly after, yet just before making that final step through the bedroom’s door, he felt a sudden smack on the face by a pillow cutting the air in two from a long distance, yet before he even realized what the heck did just hit him, the port of the currently mysterius chamber was sealed leaving the key unfortunately, on the other side, which dreadful but very much expected ritual, indicated that this night for Ricky, was to be spent on the couch or on the floor or somewhere anyway, but just not there!

An old story

When Dianne was at the 4th grade, her first love, was Jimmy. They were classmates. Now Jimmy, was a tough young bloke who’d give everybody a hard time.. Poor Dianne was his favorite victim! Almost everyday, wherever he’d meet her, he’d call her names,  pull her braids,  push her around or beat her up and generally, he’d do whatever it  took to make her cry. Everybody told her she was a fool to bear with his brutal bullying..but oddly enough, she always forgave him and never complained to noone. It was a strange form of love and nobody could convince her of the opposite, no matter how much  he hurt her on every possible chance given. Still, she never, not even once had confessed that she loves him, but somehow he knew. Nevertheless, Jimmy seemed as if he felt proud for his actions. His face would lighten up every time he saw her suffering after his attacks. Yet every night, before going to sleep, Jimmy cried the saddest tears for Dianne..

Experiments on accents (based on a real study)

The American Comito Study is now expanding its research to Europe. They want to see how effective an American accent is in creating sexual arousal in Europeans. The displeased professors stated “It’s not going to be easy and this is outrageous! Europeans don’t always respond to an American accent with arousal and you do realise who is to be blamed for all of our global sexual doom now, don’t you? George W. Bush and the absurd Obama 2009 nobel peace prize! That right! ” It took almost two hours to calm down the professors in order to carry on the experiments. When everything was settled back to normal , three thousand men and women ranging in age from 18 to 54 were monitored to detect sexual arousal after hearing different foreign accents. Women seemed more attracted to accents of the more hot-blooded countries – Spain, Brazil  Greece and such. A few excited females went “weak in the knees” over the British accent, as a proof that it still  remains extremely sexy to the human ear and later, at some critical point, the interesting experiments were interrupted all of a sudden, by a naked madman running furius from room to room, yelling repeteadly “If I had a British accent, I’d never shut up”, making it very hard for the police to decide on whether he should be arrested or inteviewed, as the nude rebel had a good point! 

Dr.House and the shocking news (based on a true story)

“Doctor House MD” turned out to be quite a riddle for the medical society, as the actor playing the pivotal role, is British, speaking in a british accent, plays a character of an American citizen who speaks in the American accent. As a result, this shift has been the cause of the so called “foreign accent syndrome” amongst many of his viewers that had enjoyed his acting skills in the past in “Black Adder”, another famous British show. One of the victims, was a Geogia mom, who went to the hospital with a stroke and came home with a British accent and bad teeth. This is a condition that some of her doctors have suggested is psychological, brought on by stress. No one knows how long the accent will last. But many are tired of her cooking fish and chips and saying “mate” and “jumpers” and “jolly” and her teeth keeping getting worse and worse each day.

“I was speaking to a friend the other day and we were excited about something we were talking about and I was just about to say, ‘Spot on!’ And who says ‘Spot on!’ from South Georgia,” she said. “Mostly I would like to know if there’s someone who maybe has a little more answer on what happened to me, because it’s still quite a question mark,” she said.

There’s always hope for worse

It’s helpful to keep reminding to yourself and repeating the sentence “life isn’t an emergency”, because roses smell better than a cabbage, which fact concludes that it will also make a better soup - logic says it - and after a quick lunch, don’t hesitate; give the world the best you have and it may never be good enough! If the world gives nothing back in return though and you feel cold over this, don’t be dissapointed. Just remember; driving is always better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. If you fall into any of them, don’t forget that it’s snow and it’s white and all bad feelings shall melt away by Spring.